I know I only come on here anymore when I’m in a rut, but hey, sometimes I just have to get it out.  And I know this won’t be long considering I have to start moving out in 20 minutes, but still, it’s something.

My jealousy of others that are doing exactly what I wish I was doing is crippling me more than ever.  Next year, I’ll be stuck in this sort of “joke” program where there will still be others where I wish I was and studying what I also love.  And for some god-forsaken reason, I can’t get myself to understand the simple fact that that isn’t the only place to get the training that I need.  That I don’t have to be in that specific studio to become better and develop myself as the artist with the skill set I want to develop and tune. 

Basically, I’m a fucking idiot who allows others who don’t even give me the time of day unknowingly ruin my life.  I’ve sat here for days being unable to start this final paper because I know part of me wants me to fail because that feels like the only thing that I have control over these days.  Nothing else seems to fall into place.

I know I’m the only one who can control this.  I just want to be happy and actually enjoy being myself for once in my life.  I hate this so much.

Need a place to vent/sort out my life again.

I hate wanting things that I can’t have.  And in the situation that I get a taste of how good that thing could be, it gets taken away for me some way or another.  And I’m not even talking just about girls or whatever this time.  It’s also with even more serious things like my future and my training.  It’s terrible.

It’s shit like this that makes me depressed.  There’s no way that I’m going to be able to go to bed tonight until I clean my side of the room and promise myself that I’ll start exercising again and get my shit together… Sigh.

I just have to take care of myself, I guess.  No one else will do it for me.

I had a pretty crazy but really random and exciting weekend, and this night marks the second night in a row that I will be completely prepared for all my work and whatnot due in my classes that day (that’s a huge deal, unfortunately haha).  I also haven’t been late to anything this week, and don’t plan on it.

I’ve been so off these past few weeks.  I was late to virtually everything I could get away with being late to (and even some I really couldn’t) and had some uncomfortably close calls with assignments and whatnot.  Doing that kind of shit just isn’t being good to myself.

I dunno, I’m trying to look on the brighter side of things nowadays.  If there is a problem, don’t shy away from it; make the time and effort and work toward a solution.  Simple things like like that, and it’s made me a noticeably happier person.  I like this. :]

P.S. The Insanity grind starts tomorrow!  Hopefully there will be noticeable results in 60 days, oh boy lmao

My thoughts well with motion, movement, and progress, yet I remain still, stagnant, and unmotivated.  It’s as if I’m watching someone deteriorate my body, image, and being from a realm that I cannot penetrate and reclaim control.

I want to feel in control again.  Fell like I can change and improve, function and dedicate my all to my goals and aspirations.

And still, here I sit.

Starting to take care of myself again.

1. Actually getting 8 hours of sleep, even though I haven’t been doing any of my work (I haven’t gotten more than 5 in a night)

2. Instead of wasting 99% of my time, actually try to be productive for half of that.  So I don’t start off the semester behind on everything like I always do.

3. Get into an exercise routine again.  Me feeling like crap about myself and my appearance is only going to breed more negativity and lethargic-ness, which it already has.

4. Seeing my counselor again.  It’s been too long, and too much has happened.

Let’s start with that.

I need a place to let out my feelings.  Too much sitting on my mind, which is not a good place to me.  I have to do my best to make the new year good, right?  Almost one month’s passed and all I’ve accomplished is running away from my problems and allowing my situations and self-esteem to drop back into the gutter.

And my roommate is snoring like a demon 5 feet away, lovely. -_____-

Well, here goes.

Yeah, and for just about everything…